Ok, first I’ll acknowledge that’s a little bit of a sensationalist title, but it’s also genuine. I can say it is genuine, because I honestly don’t wish someone was there to stop my Dad on the day he committed suicide. For those that don’t know anything about my story, that doesn’t come from any sort of anger or ill will towards him. It comes from love, because I saw the unrelenting pain involved in the battle of fighting depression and anxiety for as long as he did. Without knowing when or if that 4 year long season of severe bipolar depression would lift, it was unfortunately the only merciful release for him. If you are someone who is currently in a season of depression, this is by no means saying that it isn’t worth pushing on towards better times to come, even if those days seem so far away. Even now I feel torn in deciding to write some of these things, but I remember how lonely it felt to be the only one willing to speak the possibility that my Dad might not get better. That I might not get better as I recovered from that loss, which included my own brutal and terrifying season of depression. I am lucky to have not experienced chronic depression all of my life, but one of my favorite responses from someone who has is a tumblr reply from comedian Chris Gethard to a fan struggling with suicidal ideation. “I’ve been where you’ve been, and things will get better. And I won’t bullshit you – they’ll get better for a while, then worse again, then better again, etc. But in my experience at least, the longer time goes on, the longer the stretches of the better times get and the shorter the stretches of worse.” In MY experience, it has been better for someone to first and foremost make me feel seen in my struggles and THEN to offer encouragement, but still without a blanket false promise that skirts over severity of the present reality.
Things to say to people that are struggling:
How are you feeling today?
I’m so proud of you for pushing this far.
Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share that with me.
Wow, that sounds so hard. I can only imagine.
I’m here for you, and your friendship is not a burden.
You are loved.
It is near impossible to understand how someone could make their decision to end their life without having experienced severe depression and anxiety themselves. It is truly unlike any other kind of physical pain. And those who believe that suicide is selfish probably haven’t lain in a bed with someone after receiving electroconvulsive therapy or watched someone they love pace for 10 hours a day in mental hospitals with a face contorted in anguish. That isn’t to say you’re feelings aren’t valid if you lost a parent to suicide and struggled to understand why they would do such a thing. In fact I have a friend in just such a circumstance. However, that parent almost certainly sheltered you from seeing their real struggles out of parental duty to not put such a heavy burden on their child. Even with my brother and I being the primary caretakers and support for my Dad, I explicitly heard him regret confiding his suicidal thoughts to his sons. I am not a father, but I know there is an innate drive to protect your children from pain, both physical and emotional, at virtually all costs. To see the magnitude of this suffering would reveal their ultimate action to not be born out of insufficient love for the family they left behind, as this could not be farther from the truth.
I also want to acknowledge that organizations dedicated to suicide prevention are absolutely essential and wonderful groups that are doing amazing things. I have written for and helped raise money for a local organization called the Cameron Gallagher foundation myself. I only mean to say that I often find “suicide prevention” to be an incomplete term. We have come so far in reducing the stigma of mental health, but there is still much more to be done in healthcare reform and treatment research to fully support those in our families and communities that so desperately need quality care. It isn’t enough to keep someone alive and then leave them to suffer without the things they need to give them the best chance at recovery or symptom management for life long chronic conditions. Our ultimate goal should be to help people to live well, not just to help people live.
I don’t want this opinion piece to solely be from a contrarian point of view. So I would like to end with some things that we are doing well and some things I wish to see in the world in regards to how we as a country and local communities respond to our friends and family in crisis. First, talk therapy is being embraced by younger generations in a wonderful way. Word is spreading that you don’t have to wait until you’re in crisis to utilize a relationship with a counselor, and it is nothing to be ashamed about. I saw a humorous post that said most people are in therapy to deal with the effects of people who won’t go to therapy themselves, which is partly just humorous hyperbole, but there’s also some truth there. I encourage you to make an investment in your own wellbeing and learn how to be a better listener by experiencing a professional therapist first hand. I can confidently say it is one of the best decisions I have ever made for myself.
Next, mental health conditions large and small need to be seen as medical issues that are covered under all health insurance plans. This has to include talk therapy and similar treatments, not just helping cover costs of medications. So often people go to the doctor for a pain in the foot (metaphorically) and a doctor prescribes pain medicine instead of taking off the shoe to remove the rock causing the pain. But of course medication is also our ally. Speaking of which, we need to run full steam ahead with clinical trials for “breakthrough treatments” already gaining traction like the use of Psilocybin, MDMA, and Ketamine for PTSD and treatment resistant depression.
Lastly, if a friend is depressed, listen before offering solutions. There are no quick fixes here, and people need to feel seen more than they need suggestions to try exercising or just thinking happy thoughts. Absolutely encourage people to take walks or help them remember things to be grateful for when appropriate, just don’t make promises you can’t keep or project a timeline of recovery based on your own seasons of sadness. These things come in a magnitude of different levels. That doesn’t invalidate the hardships you’ve overcome or the depression you may have experienced, it’s just to say that every person and situation is different. Know that you can’t carry a friend’s burden for them, and you have to allow your cup to be filled before trying to pour out into other people, but encourage them to speak aloud how hard things have been. Validate their feelings instead of explaining them away, watch Netflix together, and then if you can, do it all again a week or two down the road because they will need it again. Help your friends live well, because sometime or another, you will need help too.
